My wife, Dawn, leaves the
house at 7 o’clock every morning and goes to get her mom, Aunt Joyce and her sister
Becky for their morning walk. Being who
she is, she has to have her morning shower, and all that entails, completed
before she leaves the house – which means she has to be out of bed by
5.45am!
Yesterday morning, in the
usually quiet time of her routine, she surprised me by coming out of the
bathroom and asked, “Do all addicts have control issues?” (Why
would she ask me?!?)
“Yup.” I said, “I would
estimate that 99.9% of us do.”
“Why?” she asked.
Great question!!
A strong need to be in
control has two root causes: Fear and trust.
Three common causes include: One,
living in an environment characterized by chaos – being part of a highly
dysfunctional family. Two, experiencing circumstances
beyond our control in the past or present.
Traumatic experiences like abuse,
abandonment, or feelings of being rejected by peers. Peer rejection includes being picked last for
games or being excluded from social circles.
And, three, growing up with
or presently living with a controlling authority figures in our lives. Typically these controlling authority figures
have rigid rules and, therefore, we have learned that behavior to be “normal”
and, therefore, we become a person who has a strong need to be in control. Along with the strong need to control is the
behavior characteristic of yelling.
Yelling is a weapon used to control others and it is a “cry to be heard.” (As an aside, parents who tell me their kids
only listen when they are yelled at must realize that their kids have learned
that “dad/mom are only serious when they yell therefore, I can ignore them the
rest of the time!)
How do we modify this
seemingly innate behavior?
Ephesians 1. 2 - May God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ
give you grace and peace.
The Greek word, eirenne, is best defined as the confident
understanding that God is in control, no matter what the circumstances of my
life. Notice that the definition states
nothing about tranquility or lack of conflict in one’s life!
We do not have to be in
control of others or our circumstances to experience peace!
There are two paradoxes to
living a life of peace. The first paradox
is to experience peace we have to let
go of our strong need to control people and circumstances.
A man fell off a cliff, but
managed to grab a tree limb on the way down. The following conversation ensued:
"Is anyone up
there?"
"I am here. I am the Lord. Do you believe me?"
"Yes, Lord, I believe. I really believe, but I can't hang on much longer."
"That's all right, if you really believe you have nothing to worry about. I will save you. Just let go of the branch."
A moment of pause, then: "Is anyone else up there?"
"I am here. I am the Lord. Do you believe me?"
"Yes, Lord, I believe. I really believe, but I can't hang on much longer."
"That's all right, if you really believe you have nothing to worry about. I will save you. Just let go of the branch."
A moment of pause, then: "Is anyone else up there?"
Whatever the cause, no matter
what it is we’re holding on to, if are going to experience peace in our lives,
we have to “let go and let God.”
The second paradox to living
a life of “peace” is to live a life that, paradoxically, seems out of control.
What comes to mind when you
hear sayings like, “put a lid on it” or “flip your lid” … why do we put lids on
coffee?
Check out this video:
Our strong need to be in
control compels us to try to “put our lives – people and circumstances – in a cup and put a lid on it!”
To live lidless is to takes
risks; to recognize that we might get burned; to live courageously.
To live a life of peace knowing
God is in control takes tremendous courage.
To live a life of peace is to take risks; to allow individuals to choose
their own path; to empower individuals to make their own choices; to allow
those around you to do it “their way.”
“Letting go and
letting God” may make us feel like we are losing our
identity. We may think we are going to
lose everything. Not knowing what is
going to happen is frightening. Most of
us have tried desperately to control other people and circumstances with our
efforts producing only frustration and bitterness. It
takes courage to let go of our tendency to control and manipulate others; to
use others to satisfy our “strong need to be in control.”
Honestly,
the “strong need to control” has kept us isolated, but as we trust
and surrender, we will begin to relate better with others. As we live “lid-less” lives, our capacity to
receive and give love will increase.
Can you control others or
your circumstances? NO!
To experience peace in our lives, we must
release ourselves from:
1. The idea we are God!
2. The idea we can control of others. Richard Rohr, well known in AA, writes that
spirituality involves “letting go” of “the need to be in control.” One of the burdens most of us mistakenly
carry is the thought that we can make others happy. YOU CAN’T MAKE ANOTHER PERSON HAPPY. In your effort to “make them happy,” you are
subtly trying to control them; to manipulate them with the end result being
anger, bitterness, and resentment on the part of both parties involved!!
3. The idea we can control of our circumstances.
"Victor
Frankl, the Jewish psychologist who spent time in a Nazi concentration camp in
Germany wrote:
“They stripped me naked. They took everything -- my
wedding ring, watch. I stood there naked and all of a sudden realized at that
moment that although they could take everything away from me -- my wife, my family,
my possessions -- they could not take away my freedom to choose how I was going
to respond."
You cannot control others or
your circumstances. You can only control
the way you respond!
"Do not allow others to
upset you; their only power comes from your reaction." - AA
The peace process:
1.
Prayer. Philippians
4.6&7
2.
Surrenderour will/agenda. Matthew 26.39
3.
Courage to live life lidless! 1 Cor. 16.12-14
Remember: God is in control – and you’re not God!
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