Confrontation

How many have received education beyond high school?  Tonight, you’re going to earn a Master’s Degree from the University of Hard Knocks. 

Tonight you’re going to be taught something that no one else teaches.  In fact, I would venture to guess that none of us has mastered the skill we’re going to look at tonight.  That’s because no one teaches it – no one except the University of Hard Knocks. 

Tonight, I want to share with you some basic spiritual principles I learned at the University of Hard Knocks from Pastor Rick Warren of Saddleback Church about “speaking the truth in love” – loving confrontation.  Loving confrontation is speaking the truth in love in a manner that builds rather than destroys a relationship with spouse, peers, children, your employer or fellow employees.  And, specifically, a fellow addict!   

The two key Scriptures are:  1 Corinthians 13.6.. “Love … rejoices when the truth wins out.” And, Ephesians 4.15 – “we will speak the truth in love; growing in every way more and more like Christ…”  (my emphasis added)

When we look at the life of Christ we discover that there were times He avoided conflict, times He resolved conflict, and times when He created conflict.  All three are appropriate in your relationships.  There are times when loving confrontation is the best solution to some conflict in your life.  Other times, the most loving thing you can do is avoid it. 

Truth and love go together. 

Deception, manipulation, lying, and love are like oil and water.  They simply do not mix! 

Here’s four spiritual principles taught at the University of Hard Knocks to help us determine the how, when and what of loving confrontation.

Check your motive. 

You should ask yourself, “Why do I feel the need to confront this person?  What is my motive?”  There are lots of wrong motives: revenge; feel superior; assert your authority; belittle the other person.  But there is only ONE right motive:  You honestly want to help someone not hurt them.  That is so key!  If you’re coming to the table with the wrong motive, the only thing you going to accomplish is deepening the conflict. 

Your motive should be like that of the apostle Paul when he was writing to the church in Corinth…

I wrote that letter in great anguish, with a troubled heart and many tears. I didn’t want to grieve you, but I wanted to let you know how much love I have for you. 2 Corinthians 2:4 (NLT)

Dawn and I had to learn to confront one another.  It is a learning process.  But if you want your relationships to move from superficial (oh, we’re just so happy; I love everybody at work, blah, blah, blah) to a close one, you have to learn struggle through the process of loving confrontation. 

Plan your presentation.

A spontaneous response to conflict will always fail; always hurt more than it helps.  Always engage your mind before you put your mouth in gear!  

 Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed. Proverbs 16.3 (Amplified)

Ever had an “oops moment” with email.  Your words are like an email.  Once you hit “send,” you can’t get them back.

 To prevent an “oops moment,” Rick Warren suggests three elements for your plan:

One.  Plan when you going to sat it.  (not tired; under stress; busy)

Two.  Plan what you’re going to say.  (with humility and gentleness)

Three.  Plan how you’re going to say it.  Tone it down.  Use feeling words. 

Rick Warren often states, “Truth + tact + timing = transformation

 Give them affirmation. 

 Affirm that you love and care about them; that you believe they can change, and that your relationship can be closer/better.

 Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4.29, NLT)

Risk rejection. 

Loving confrontation is scary because you have no idea how they will react.  You don’t know if they’ll attack back, walk away, throw something, or end any and all communication with you.   

The extremely challenging aspect of this is that one confronting must be willing to absorb the initial anger. 

Speaking the truth in love:  Check your motive, plan your presentation, affirm the person you are confronting, and risk rejection – And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus … (Colossians 3.17, NLT).