And I Want it NOW!

Because of erosion, the historic Cape Hatteras Lighthouse was in peril of washing into the Atlantic Ocean. So Congress appropriated $12 million for the National Park service to move it 2900 feet to safety.

With a combination of care, expertise, patience and raw power, The Expert House Movers of Sharptown, Maryland moved the 208 foot tall, 9.7 million pound structure to its current home. The option of moving the lighthouse was first proposed in April of 1982, but the light wasn’t lit at its new location until November 13, 1999 – 17 years of study and 23 days of moving later. (From Fresh Illustrations)

Small things can be moved quickly, but big things take time.

Many people tend to overestimate what they can do in a day or a week and underestimate what they can do in months or years! 

Our addiction just didn’t happen.  Contrary to popular belief, we didn’t become an alcoholic with one drink; an addict with one hit; a sex addict with one visit to the internet; a food addict with one cookie.  Addictions develop over time and to the point they control our thinking, our actions, and our lives.  Yet, when we go through the hell of detox and start the hard journey of recovery, we expect immediate and permanent change. 

Many people tend to overestimate what they can do in a day or a week and underestimate what they can do in months or years! 

We carry that same mindset into our relationships.  The family problems didn’t just suddenly appear.  Broken relationships didn’t happen in a vacuum.  Our marriages didn’t fall apart in a day, week, or a month. 

Yet, when reach the point in our journey we realize we must make amends with those we have hurt, used, manipulated, or attempted to control, we want an instant fix; instant forgiveness; instant restoration of trust; instant “the way it used to be” relationships! 

Many people tend to overestimate what they can do in a day or a week and underestimate what they can do in months or years! 

Holist recovery – change – takes time and patience. Jesus states we are to love others as ourselves and when we have been wounded or have wounded others, we have to realize it will require time and patience for agape, philos, and eros to be a reality in our lives and theirs.

1 Corinthians 13.4 reads: “Love is patient and kind.” 

Patience.  A characteristic of love that we all want and we want it NOW!! 

Let’s approach this challenge of fulfilling this mandate of Scripture in a very pragmatic way. 

First, recall our memory verse, “Let love be your highest goal” (I Corinthians 14.1).  It is such an important goal to remember when we are striving to love with patience.

Second, it is crucial to remember Dean’s definition of love:  putting the needs of others before your own. 

And third, jot down a time you needed patience or what you are facing now in your life that requires patience. There is no need to share with anyone; just write it down or etch it in your mind. 

Ok.  We’re set.  Let’s look at what the Bible teaches us about patience.  As we explore the Scriptures, I want you to apply the biblical principles presented to YOUR situation. 

Romans 5.3-5.  There's more to come: We continue to shout our praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling shortchanged. Quite the contrary—we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit! (The Message, emphasis mine)

If it is your heart’s desire to develop “passionate patience,” you must cooperate with God. 

God provides the opportunity; you provide the response. 

God allows the opportunities for the development of patience because He wants to grow you from having a self-centered love to loving like Christ. 

Rick Warren writes in his book on relationships that there are three biblical steps to take to help you respond with patience. 

1.        Discover a bigger perspective. (Proverbs 19.11 NIV) A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.

2.       Deepen your love.  Love is a patience builder. 

When you’re filled with love, almost nothing will irritate you.  When you’re filled with anger, bitterness, or unforgiveness, almost anything will irritate you.  Illustration:  a full cup of coffee; a little “jiggle” will make the contents spill over the edge.  Solution: put a lid on it!

What makes our “cups jiggle?” 

The battle of rights vs. responsibilities rages on in our culture.  Neil Anderson states that throughout history when a culture placed more emphasis on an individual’s rights than their responsibilities, it signaled the end of that culture.  In today’s world, there is an ever increasing emphasis placed on an “individual rights” with total disregard of individual responsibility!  That mindset has permeated marriages and has become a major “cup jiggler.”  Time and time again I have heard men and women shout, “I have a right!”  While it is true that men and women do have rights in a marriage, they have responsibilities too.  It is my firm opinion that if either is not fulfilling their responsibilities in the marriage, they have NO rights!  (For a list of responsibilities, check out Ephesians 5.21-31.)

3.       Depend on Jesus’ power.  (Colossians 1.11 NLT) We also pray that you will be strengthened with all his glorious power so you will have all the endurance and patience you need. May you be filled with joy…

This means the total surrender of your pride, ego, and agenda to Christ.   

Love is patient and kind.  Patience is your attitude.  Kindness is your actions. 

Perhaps all of us need an “attitude adjustment”!! 

Here are some questions for you:

      We compared our lives to a full cup of coffee.  If a full cup is “jiggled,” coffee spills out.  What spills out of your life when you are “jiggled”?  What steps will you take to “put a lid on it”?

      Are you filled with patience or impatience?  What do your reactions to difficult people or situations reveal about the content of your character cup? 

      What can you do to make sure you are filled with the “right stuff”? 

      What is one thing you will do differently this week and who will you ask to hold you accountable?

Love is 13:13

26 years ago, I surrendered my life to Christ, immediately quit using drugs, and a few months later, I became sober as well.  During the process of cleaning up, I met a young lady whom I thought was quite stuck on herself but, after a few months of coaxing from a mutual friend, I started to date her.  It didn’t take long to come to the conclusion there was something incredible about this gal and I was convinced I wanted to get to know her and perhaps, just perhaps, spend the rest of my life with her. 

Dawn and I were married 25 years ago on May 31^st.  At Dawn’s encouragement, we became part of a small group for Bible study.  After joining the group, through a series of conversations with my pastor, and witnessing the love of Christ among God’s children at Calvary Baptist Church, I realized I was very confused about the whole concept of love. 

There seems to be a lot of confusion in our culture about the meaning of love.  We love our cars, our clothes, our food, our pets, our toys, certain forms of entertainment, and certain people.  Do we really understand what we’re saying?     

According to Psychology Today, mankind has searched for the true meaning of love throughout history!  So, welcome to humanity’s continued quest to discover the answer to the age-old question:  What is love and how does it manifest itself in my life?

Psychologists portray love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause. It is said to have three components: Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.  I’m by no means an expert on love but I have studied the whole phenomenon for several years and have come to believe there is more to love than what psychologist have discovered. 

Here’s what I’ve learned so far:

Money can’t buy you love.  You can buy sex but you can’t buy love.  Allow me to interject some thoughts about sex, about intimacy.  Sex is NOT love.  Sex is an expression of love and is to be experienced within the context of marriage.  It is not a weapon to be used as a punishment, as an object offered as a reward, or as a means of self-validation or gratification.  Single ladies, if you think sex will “win a guy,” you’re wrong.  Sex will not lead to love or acceptance by the opposite sex.  There are lots of predators out there who will simply use you for self-gratification, get bored, and then be gone out of your life. Whether you get pregnant or not, they could care less!  And, I know for a fact that some of the predators are married! 

Guys, if you’re a predator, if you’re using sex – virtual or real – as a means of self-validation or gratification, get some help!  You have serious issues. 

You can’t love someone by “trying harder.”  When things get tough in any relationship it takes more than human effort for true forgiveness and restoration to be completed.  I’m convinced that only God can completely heal a weakened or wreaked relationship. 

If you’re one of those people who is tired of trying harder, this series will be a breath of fresh air for you.

Love is risky.  There is no “crystal ball” to predict how your love will be received or how your relationship will develop or deteriorate over time. You can get hurt.  Yet it remains humanity’s highest calling and universal desire.  Human love is fragile; God’s love is firm and forever. 

I am convinced that the only indisputable fact about love is that learning about it is a lifelong process!  No one has perfect knowledge of what love really is except the one who is love: God. (1John4.16)

Let’s move away from my opinions and look at what the word of God – the Bible – says about love. 

Love is multi-faceted.  There are three Greek words used in the Bible translated into English as “love.”  Philos which is love for a friend.  Jesus states that there is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for a friend.   The second word is agape.  Most Christians have heard long sermons and attended classes concerning agape which is technically defined as unconditional love.  It is often defined as the love God has for humanity.  Agape eliminates the “if/then” from our relationship with others.  The third word is eros.  Eros is the root word for erotic. 

The Bible says love has three components:  Philos, Agape, and Eros.  What that means is that we are to love one another with Philos and Agape. 

Our spouses are to be our friends, we are to love them without condition, and they – and only spouses – are to be our lovers.  (We are to love them with APE love – that’s Agape, Philos, and Eros!  Just a little humor there!)

I want to have us memorize one verse for this entire series…

1 Corinthians 14.1a – “Let love be your highest goal.” 

That verse will be the glue that binds all the sessions together as we talk about kindness, patience, speaking the truth in love, serving each other and forgiveness. 

Why is love the highest goal?  Matthew 22.37-39; because Jesus commands it!  And Galatians 5.14

Let’s take a quick look at what has come to be known as the “love chapter.”  1 Corinthians 13.1-13 

Summary of 1-13 = Love is the primary objective in life.

v.1 - If I don’t live a life of love, nothing I say will matter.  Words without love are worthless. 

v. 2- If I don’t live a life of love, nothing I know will matter.  Brilliance without love equals zero. 

v. 3- If I don’t live a life of love, nothing I give will matter.  Buying gifts to compensate for lack of time with kids.

 

What your kids, your spouse want is YOU!! Giving is not necessarily love.

v.3- If I don’t live a life of love, nothing I accomplish will matter.  Relationships are more important than accomplishments.

v. 13-Love is the greatest power in life.  In my years of ministry, I’ve been with individuals as they are in their last moments of life here on earth.  No one has ever asked to be surrounded with their diplomas, their stuff, their cars, their stock portfolio … what they ask for is the people they love. 

God has shown us how to leave a lasting legacy – to “live a life filled with love. “ (Eph. 5:2) May our legacy be how we lived a a life of love for God and others!

Now we know why we are to live a life filled with love, we’ll discover how!

This is what I’d like us to do during this series of messages: commit to attending all sessions, going to church together if possible, and putting into action what we learn.

For Discussion with spouse, family, and/or friends:

      Who is the most loving person you have ever known, and what did their life look like?  What practical advice do you think they would give you about how to show love to the people in your life? (spouse, kids, neighbors)

      We learned that if we don’t live a life of love, nothing we say, know, give, or accomplish will matter.  Which of these speaks to you?  How can you improve in that area? 

      Read Matthew 22.37-39.  What does it look like in your life to love God with your whole being?  How can loving others (spouse, kids, neighbor) be an act of worship? 

      Doing one thing differently this week: 

Turn talk into action by reaching out to one person this week in a loving, unselfish way. 

Naked and Exposed

Ever ask someone a question and they answer, “Been there; done that; got the t-shirt.”?  What they’re trying to communicate is that they have experienced the topic under discussion, to the point of boredom or complacency.  Some may have that attitude about recovery in general and, in particular, taking an honest moral inventory that exposes one’s character flaws!   Others who have never experienced this part of the path of recovery may have a sense of fear or anxiety about the whole process. 

Let’s look at Hebrews 4.12-16 to find motivation to prayerfully and honestly go through the process of taking an introspective look at ourselves. 

v.12… The word of God is not simply a collection of pithy sayings or good ideas.  It is alive; it is life-changing and dynamic as it works within us.  Like a surgeon’s scalpel, it cuts to the core of our being revealing who we are and what we are not.  It discerns within us both good and evil. 

We can’t simply hear and read the word; we must turn information into action.  The demands of God require decisions! 

v.13… The ultimate information highway!  God knows everything about everyone everywhere!  Even when we are unaware of His presence or somehow believe that “God won’t know,” all we think and do is “exposed before His eyes.”      

It is very reassuring to me to know that despite knowing everything about me – my flaws; my character defects; my propensity to repeat the same sin again and again, God loves me anyway!  Amazing love; amazing grace! 

The last part of this verse states that He is the one to whom we are accountable.  Another translation puts it this way; nothing can be hidden from Him to whom we must explain all that we have done.  Like a two-edged sword, that fact can either grip us in fear or be a great encouragement.  Think about it just for a minute.  The very fact that He already knows everything about us and still requires us to give an account must mean that there is some value for us in the experience.  Since He already knows every detail, every thought, every deed and hasn’t rejected us, we don’t have to fear His rejection! 

The reason we are to go through the hard work of self-examination is NOT to provide God with information; it is for us to be transformed by the power of the word of God working within us. 

v. 14-16.  So, rid yourself of complacency even if you’ve completed 100 character inventories.  Turn your “been there; done that; got the t-shirt” attitude into an opportunity for transformation; to learn to live life differently.  

And rid yourself of fear.  Jesus knows your weaknesses; understands the temptations you face.  And when you need it most, He will cover you with grace and mercy. 

The way we come boldly to the throne of grace is through prayer.  Richard Rohr, in his book Breathing Under Water, writes that when we pray we are to exchange “one thinking cap for another.”  He states that we must also exchange our “calculating mind” for a “contemplative mind.”  The calculating mind focuses on private hurts, needs, anger, and memories.  The prayers of a “calculating mind” are more about convincing God to help with already determined solutions to one’s needs, hurts, anger, and memories.  A “calculating mind” views everything not as they are but as they are!  (Ok.  Read that last sentence again.) 

The “contemplative mind” prays from a whole different perspective.   It abides in the Great I Am and draws its life from Christ.  As the apostle Paul writes, “My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” (Gal.2.20)

The “contemplative mind” in prayer sees self and others through Christ’s eyes.  The “contemplative mind” moves beyond blaming, accusing, and denying.  It sees the “log in its own eye.”  (cf. Matthew 7.1-5)

Prayer is not about changing God, but about being willing to let God change us!  And it’s in the pain of change that we need and receive His mercy and grace! 

Let me say it again, the purpose of an honest look at our character flaws is NOT to determine how bad or good we are or to gain some moral high ground.  The purpose is to allow God to transform us by changing the way we think – about ourselves and others.

One issue we all have in common is the possibility of relapse.  We’re warned in 1 Cor. 10 that when we think we’re standing strong, watch out!  Be careful!  We need to understand that we’re never really safe or removed from the temptation to use again. 

Who can honestly say they’ve never thought about using again?  Who hasn’t flirted with the desire?  Who among us falls into a pit without walking near the edge? 

A young boy was constantly falling out of bed.  Short of installing side rails on this bed, his parents had done everything they could think of to keep the young boy in bed.  One day the boy’s uncle asked him why he rolled out of bed all the time to which he replied, “I don’t know.  I guess I just stay to close to where I get in.” 

Relapse doesn’t appear from nowhere to grab us by the throat.  There are warning signs – staying to close to the edge, complacency – “been there, done that, got the t-shirt” – and compromise.  In order to “create some side rails,” we need to ask God to help us keep a close eye on our motives, desires, and thoughts.  We need to work the workbook and meditate on Hebrews 4.12, For the word of God is alive and powerful.  … It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

My Trail

When I was young, I focused on the future --

what was ahead.

Now that I've "celebrated numerous birthdays,"

I wonder --

what kind of a trail did I leave.

I'm painfully aware of the destruction

I have caused.

Now after "celebrating numerous birthdays,"

I wonder --

what kind of a trail did I leave.

I'm overjoyed when I think of

how God has blessed me

with a beautiful wife

and an amazing daughter.

Still,

I wonder --

what kind of a trail did I leave.

Constructive Sorrow

Constructive Sorrow

 A friend of mine just had a “procedure.”  (That’s what it’s called when we get older.)  The night before his “procedure,” he did an internet search to find out what was going to happen to him the next day.  80% of the comments on-line were negative!  “I’m worse off now than before.”  “I’m sorry I ever allowed this to happen!”  “I experience more pain now than before the surgery – it didn’t help at all!”  When he arrived at the surgical center, he was ready to cancel the procedure.  He voiced his concern to the surgeon who replied, “Well.  I’ve never had a patient want to cancel on the day OF the surgery.  Usually, they cancel a couple days ahead of time.” 

After discussing the consequences of NOT having the surgery – losing his bladder! – my friend’s response was “git ‘er dun!” 

Sometimes in life what we think will bring us nothing but sorrow and pain is, in reality, the best thing we can do for ourselves and our family and friends. 

 Many of us have experienced sorrow and pain in our lives.  Maybe not from a dreaded surgery, but an event that permeates our souls with feelings of conviction and sorrow.  In the past we may have numbed our senses with alcohol, drugs, food, or pornography to escape the memories of those experiences that have caused sorrow. 

Sorrow.  An emotion we would rather not experience.  But, like the surgical procedure my friend wanted to avoid, in our spiritual lives, sorrow for the mistakes we’ve made and the hurt we’ve caused has a plus side. Sorrow has some hidden benefits. 

2 Corinthians 7.8-13 (read entire passage)

Cliff notes:

·         Guilt is a means to an end not an end in itself. 

·         The kind of sorrow [guilt] God desires is a sorrow that leads to a changed life!

·         Godly sorrow leads to repentance and repentance leads to a visible change in our lives.  Can your family and friends see a difference in you?  Do you respond differently to life’s challenges? 

·         Here’s a word of caution about others seeing a visible change in our lives:  Don’t expect family and friends to believe the change is real at first.  In the past, you’ve probably broken your promise of “change” more than once.  Be prepared to experience their doubt for months, or perhaps years, before they can see a real change in you.

·         Find hope, healing, and freedom in Christ! 

v. 8-9.   Paul isn’t glad because his letter hurt the Christians in Corinth.  He was glad because the pain forced them to deal with the issues they faced on a personal level as well as on a church level.  The purpose of this meeting and the workbooks distributed two weeks ago is not to create worldly pain or sorrow.  The purpose is to be an instrument that God can use to bring about a genuine change in your life; to empower you to live life differently. 

When we are forced to deal with issues on a personal level, we often encounter deep seated feelings of guilt.  Guilt in the context of this passage is the feeling of sorrow for our sins – those issues we must deal with for holistic recovery. 

Guilt is a means to an end not an end in itself.  God doesn’t say, “I’m going to make you squirm awhile and teach you a lesson.”  He says, “Ok.  Now that you recognize your mistake, what are we going to do about it?” 

God’s purpose for His conviction is that you would “repent and change your ways.”  The word used here for repentance means: a change of mind, a change of heart, a change of attitude…”I’m sorry and I am going to do something about it! I am going to change with God’s help!”

 v. 10… There are two kinds of sorrow [guilt] that God does NOT desire.  There is a sorrow that can be counter-productive. There is a fine line between godly guilt and the “cone of shame.  Shame is destructive as it allows us to continue to feel pain and sorrow AFTER we have been convicted of our sins, AFTER we have confessed them to God, AFTER we have sought forgiveness and made the commitment to change.

Shame says I deserve all this baggage I’m carrying; I am worthless. 

Guilt says I’ve made some bad choices; I’ve got some character flaws that need correction; I’ve got relationships that aren’t healthy and need healing.  And with God’s help, I’m going to do the painful work of repentance and change in my life.   

That’s the kind of sorrow [guilt] God desires.  A sorrow that leads to a changed life!

We’re taught there is a difference between “godly” sorrow, and “worldly” sorrow – “worldly” says, “I am sorry that I got caught!” – “godly” says, “Now that God has helped me see these sins, I must do something about them!”

Here’s a good example of the difference.   A husband and wife are driving down Pershing Avenue.  The wife tells her husband to turn right at the next junction and by mistake, he turns left. When he realizes what he has done, he says to his wife “I’m sorry love, I went the wrong way.” But if that is all he does, it isn’t enough. His saying sorry isn’t getting them any closer to where they want to be; it isn’t even stopping them getting further away.

To get where they want to be, he needs to stop the car, turn it around and go back on to the correct road that his wife told him to take in the first place. That is the kind of repentance God desires.

v. 11… Paul writes that godly sorrow leads to repentance and repentance leads to a visible change in our lives.  Can your family and friends see a difference in you?  Do you respond differently to life’s challenges? 

Here’s a word of caution about others seeing a visible change in our lives:  Don’t expect family and friends to believe the change is real at first.  In the past, you’ve probably broken your promise of “change” more than once.  Be prepared to experience their doubt for months, or perhaps years, before they can see a real change in you.

Taking an honest look at our character flaws can be painful and, in many cases, create feelings of sorrow.  But just like my friend who wanted to cancel his surgery because of the “fear of the unknown,” I encourage you to allow God to “surgically” remove those character flaws through “the sorrow and pain that leads us away from sin and results in salvation.” 

Don’t leave here tonight carrying the baggage you came with.  Leave it at the foot of the cross. 

Find hope, healing, and freedom in Christ! 

Personal Application:

      Read 2 Corinthians 7.10.  What comes to mind as you read this verse?

       At a level you are comfortable with, share with those in your group an area of your life you need to experience Godly sorrow.

      In your opinion, what does “worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death” mean? 

      What is one thing you will do differently this coming week?

       Who will you ask to hold you accountable for this action?